Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
