Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
