I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
