Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
