I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
