Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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