NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude i'm inner monologue high
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
