i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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