Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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