last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
