We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
