I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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