Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I AM VODKA MAN
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
