i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
