I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
