Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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