Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
