Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
