new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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