I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
