Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
