Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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