A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
