i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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