I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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