What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
