I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
