just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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