New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
