god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
