If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
