I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
