He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
