she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
