Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i need some magic done to my vagina
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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