Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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