please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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