the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
