Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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