bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
