I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't deserve a penis
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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