you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
