I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
