I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
