I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
