I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
