I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
