and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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