he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We had sex on a dog bed..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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