I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
