toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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