I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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