I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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