farters have to be the big spoon...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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