Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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