I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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