A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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