it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
