I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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