your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
