The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
