Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
